For those reading my story (memoir) I was told its not to much in detail. Its because im sumerizing it,im writing more like memories of things I remember in my life. If I was to write a whole book of my life it would take yrs. Plus for those who know me my mind is a bit fuzzy, but if you cont. to read it I promise it gets better.
Under the Influence
Well going back to when I was going through all my problems as a kid. I noticed this white mark on my face, then it was on my fingers, then my feet it just started spreading and I didn’t know what it was. So my mom took me to the Doctor. He said it was called vitiligo, something they didn’t know much about at the time, all he said was it is caused by stress or I must have gone through a trauma when I was a child. Well any ways I ended up with this thing called vitiligo a discoloration of the skin or a lack of pigmentation and there was no cure.
So imagine on top of everything I had gone through and now this, I was so embarrassed I always tried to hide it as best as I could. I even wore make up but nothing worked. So as I went to school now a senior I had what you would call an entourage. It was a group of friends. We all hung out in the morning before class and we were all misfits I guess? we all dressed in black and listen to the same music we would go to Mexico a lot and danced badass, so then by this time I had already been introduced to pot and I was smoking it on a regular basis and then my life was changing with everything that was going on.
I decided to just move to McAllen even though I was still in school. I did miss a lot of school and I preferred the partying life a lot more. I remembered moving to these apartments on Ware Rd and I loved every minute of it. There was this time I got introduced to cocaine and I just loved it. It was all about having fun fun fun. This was around the time school was almost over. Well I finished school and remained living in McAllen and I met more and more people. I was having the time of my life.
I remember getting ready to go out one night and a friend of mine showed up with some ACID aka. LSD. I bought my first hit of acid so I was wondering what is this little piece of paper going to do. My friend said just tear it and take half now then the other half later. So I did just that and oh my god!! I remember feeling a bit anxious ,and then everything was just too funny. We were going to an after hrs. Party so I took the other half and I rode in back of a pick-up down 10th street in McAllen. I began to what it is known as hallucinating . All the lights had this long tracer of color following it. I remember getting to the party and feeling a bit nervous almost like I was the center of attention. Everyone was looking at me (so I thought) then there were these other people there that said lets go to Mexico. So I left with them and ended up at the Alaskan. I remember they were playing Fascination Street by the cure and I went straight to the dance floor to dance. Wow I felt the music traveling through my whole body that it made every part of my body just go with the music. I would move my hands up and down and this long tracer of colors would follow. It was so amazing and beautiful. I then went to go sit down. There was a table and I remember someone bought me a beer and I placed it in front of me. I stared at the can, and that can became two cans and they just kept piling up one on top of another it was crazy. I then noticed the table had all these cigarette ashes on it but it looked like a small village to me. All the small ashes were moving around like people, the bigger ashes were like bushes, all the cracks on the table were streets and the sweat that came from the beer can onto the table, became a small river. I was so lost in my own little world it was amazing. I then was approached by my friends and they said its time to go. So we left and I remember waiting outside of the car for the rest of the group. There was a restaurant across the street I think it was called the red dragon, but anyways there were these dragons’ statues all over on top of the restaurant. So as I stared at them they came to life, they were moving their wings back and forth and there tongues kept coming out. I was getting scared. We then got in the car and drove off. As we were leaving I remember just staring out to the sky. There was half a moon, a big star next to it, and the clouds were moving about. That to me became a very beautiful vision of a girl winking at me .The moon became her blinking eye, the star was her open eye, and the clouds became her long hair. It was just to cool. They dropped me off at home and I was just too awake. I couldn’t go to sleep. So theses friends of mine showed up, they were under the influence of another drug. (Which I later tried) they were just playing with me by throwing pieces of gum in my mouth. All I saw was different colors. They had to leave but another friend who I started the night with. Later ended up splitting somewhere in the night. So he showed up and we just smoked a joint and watched the sun come up. It was so beautiful, the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen, the clouds went from a reddish color to an orange then yellow color. So my friend had to leave. I went inside and tried to go to sleep but I just kept seeing these cool patterns on the celling. The celling was mad of that white chalky stuff that looks like snow. So the patterns were all types of snowflakes. I finally fell asleep. Boy what a night. That was my first acid trip. A beginning to many many more trips to come.
High School
Ahh those days of High school… You know I really didn’t have it bad in high school, i was very lucky i wasn’t harassed. I’m sure people talked about me behind my back, but never to my face.
I remember the fun I had in band, marching in my first football game, and of course pigskin. We didn’t get a 1 we ended up getting a 2 but man did we did good. My favorite teacher Mr. Guzman was our band director and he was the best ever. Then there was the victory dances! Oh I wouldn’t miss a single dance! I also entered a dance contest and me and my dance partner won 1st place dancing to Rock Lobster by the B-52s! It was awesome!
I remember, like every normal teenager when they’re trying to discover who they are well i did as well. Mostly by going through all the phases and only one of those phases was the one i stuck with. That was just being different; I remember going shopping and dressing up all in black very new waver. I also remember going to my first gay bar, “10th Ave” was the name and of course it became my home away from home. I was there like almost every day! Then I was invited to this one club in Mexico called, “The Alaskan.” Oh my god, I felt like I can’t even explain it, there was just so many people! I remember seeing a group of kids dressed up all in black and they were very well known there for being the best new wave dancers! I just wanted to be part of that group; I loved the way they danced! I got to meet them all and I later became friends with all of them. It was also the first time I met my late friend Rey. Then after that it became a regular thing going every weekend! During all this time I met what I remember being my first crush or “love” and we became very close. Thing is he just didn’t know what he wanted at the time but i did. So we would all hang out, went out every weekend. Then one night he told me his cousin would hang out at this other club called “D-Hip House.” So he said, “Let’s go over there you will really like it!” So when we went I remember seeing a guy on top of a speaker dancing to “The Cure.” And i fell in love immediately with this club! I told myself this is it, this is where i belong! So that was that!
Well this guy i had a crush on…. things got very very complicated with his family. They hated me and my family hated him! I know the word hate is such an ugly word but that’s how it was. We were told we couldn’t hang out or even see each other but we still did. We would sneak out to see each other then he was pissed off at me and would ignore me. I was crushed, but what could I do? It was like a love hate relationship, he was confusing. Till one day we decided to run away we left and never came home! Although at that time running away was just not going home all night. We ended up at my cousin’s house and went to school the next day. Boy did I hear it from my older sister. I really hurt my mom, so it only got more complicated. So by this time I was a senior in high school and I was getting out of control.
I remember one day someone told me, dude you should write a memoir.
So here it goes! My first time ever writing something, I hope you all like it.
Where to start? Well I guess I’ll start from the only memories i have as a kid, since there isnt realy that many meomories i have. I guess i just decided to block many of those memories out. People told me its because I must have expernced something traumatic that happen to me as a kid.
Yes I did have ugly memories I guess, but who dosent? I mean I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was I guess 5 and no it was’nt a sibling or parent either. It was someone I’d rather not mention all I’ll say is that it was an outside family member. But enough of that subject, I dont like to talk about that. Other memories I have of my childhood is the time when we would go to Michigan in the summer. I went to summer school there, we also would go to church on sundays, the zoo, and then to the park somewhere in lake michingan. But that’s about it. No birthday party memories or christmas memories or nothing like that. Oh and when I would lock myself in the room , listen to dancing queen on the radio, and dance dance dance! Which is one thing I love to do is dance! It’s my only escape and I’m a pretty damn good dancer! Not profesional but I am good.
When I was in the 5th grade my parents got a divorced and it was a mess. But I didnt really know what was going on, only that my dad was not living with us anymore. By this time all my brothers and sisters were married and out of the house except me and one of my sisters. We did suffer a lot but in a strange way. My mom had to work 2 jobs to support us and my sister also had to work very hard while she was a senior in school.
I dont know if you all believe in witchcraft but it realy exists, we experenced it. I remember I was not alowed to come home alone, I had to go stay with my aunt nextdoor. She took care of me when I was a child and when I would get home from school. I remember there used to be little ziplock bags with hair tied in knots or white powder around our house. There was also little chicken eggs in a bag and when they were stept on blood would come out. There was also a time when my mom had both me and my sister stay in her room with her because there was always something going on. Like someone knocking at the door or whistling. I also remember when there would be loud noises of owls smashing against the windows trying to come in. Now in mexican folklore an owl usually means it’s a witch known as a lechusa. Yes I know it sounds crazy but it really did happen. I witnessed a lot of crazy stuff.
Well my dad and my mom got back together and everything stoped. It was great but crazy still. By this time I was a teen going through my own problems like realizing why i was so atractive to boys ,fashion, and music. I had joined the band and I discoverd Madonna, MTV, and porn mags. I remember when MTV first aired I was hooked! It really changed my life, in a way it opened my eyes to the coolest fashion ever! And the coolest new wave bands like duran duran,depeche mode,the cure,a flock of seagulls! I mean it was cool, I wanted to dress like them! The European 80s fashion was the best! I started putting my own style together, growing up in a small town in south texas (Mercedes, Tx) it was hard to be different. Cause everyone here is all about the cowboy hats and country music or pure tejano music. So if u were different you were a fag and a freak! So guess what? I was both those things a freak and a fag and i didnt care!
I was at a local book shops and came across this photo book called, “Mary McCartney - From Where I Stand”. It is a book full of beautiful pictures from her career as a photographer.
She take picture for celebrities often but she also take pictures of unusual places where she discovers and gains insights, like the backstage of theater productions and their dressing room. She said:
“I have never been happy just to be in front of the subject,lighting precisely and then shooting frame after frame. This process seems to me designed rather tan captured. I prefer to trace things back: models backstage, dancers at home, off guard and visually vulnerable Images present themselves spontaneously, images that give the viewer an insight into an experience, a career, a life.”
I really enjoyed her photos and the honesty within. Here is a link to her website. I wish you will enjoy it. My favorite is a group of pictures from the exhibition called “Off Pointe”
hope you like it.
MY NAME IS RENE A 41YR OLD GAY MAN. IM FROM THE RIO GRANDE VALLEY (MERCEDES TEXAS) WHERE I LIVE WITH BY PARTNER OF 2YRS HE ALSO HAS A BIG FACINATION FOR PHOTOGRAPHY.I REALY LIKE TO TAKE PICTURES MY FAVORITES ARE BLACK AND WHITE,I TRY TO BE AS ARTISTIC WITH MY PHOTOS BUT I JUST TAKE PICTURES THE WAY I SEE THINGS. I LOVE TO TAKE PICTURES OF THE SKY,SUNSETS,PEOPLE AND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.THERE IS JUST SO MUCH YOU CAN SAY WITH A PHOTO. I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY WORK AND ASK ME JUST ABOUT ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.
